At 17, while I was allowing the abortionist to take the life of my baby, I had no idea that 10 years later I would be pleading to God to allow death to breathe over me and take my life.  I did not want to live with the anguish of my abortion any longer, so I cried out to God,  “Let me die!” 

Over 25 years ago, while I myself was still much a child, I had no idea that later in life I would love the child I lost, and how desperately I would want to be his mother. My arms are empty and a part of my soul remains barren. I had no idea how much I would grieve over the death of my aborted baby.

When the results of the pregnancy test confirmed I was pregnant, I was terrified. Terrified to tell my parents, terrified of what my future would hold.  I was in a crisis!  Unfortunately, it was easier for me to go through an abortion procedure than it was to tell my parents that I was pregnant. I was scared, alone and making a life-changing decision on my own and I believed that abortion was my only option.

On the day of my abortion I sat among 15 or so other girls dressed in white waiting for our names to be called. Every few minutes the attendant would call the name of another girl. I remember crying, shaking, and rocking back and forth not wanting to be there, but thought I had to be.

Once the procedure began, the women standing at my beside tried to comfort me by saying “Don’t worry dear, everything’s going to be fine. This is a simple, safe, and easy procedure. It will be all over soon and you can go home and never have to think about it again. And, your parents will never have to know!”

After the procedure, we were all given a pill of some sort to take, and a release form to fill out before we left. My hands were shaking profusely from the traumatic event, that caused me to spilt water all over myself, as I struggled to get the pill in my mouth. Also the  pen I was using  shook wildly in my hands while I was trying to fill out the requested paperwork.

I left that day remembering what they had told me - You will never have to think about it again - and for the next several years I tucked this ENORMOUS secret away, and tried consistently to forget about it.

Eight years later, I was shown an ultrasound of my second child Emily. Seeing the truth on the ultrasound monitor screen my world plummeted. This was NOT a blob of tissue, cluster of cells, or a product of conception as I was told at the abortion facility - She was a tiny little baby fully formed!  The nurse asked me if I was okay?  I lied and said “Yes,” while inside I wanted to run away from myself for what I had done during my previous abortion.

Shortly after Emily was born, I started to have nightmares. I dreamt her body was dismembered and put into old medicine jars setting on a shelf in some old mad scientists’ lab - her head in one jar, and leg in another. Another vivid dream involved Emily and I was holding on for dear life on a bridge, with raging water underneath us. A man dressed in black stood on the bridge and could  save only one of us. He reached his hand to mine, and I took it.. I knew Emily would die as I watched her plunge into the waves screaming “MOMMY, mommy, mo….” until her voice was heard no more.

There were more nightmares and other symptoms associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or [PTSD] that I was experiencing, which included: anxiety ,depression,  self-loathing and self-hatred that went on for many years.  And in my despair, I couldn’t handle the pain any longer and I cried out for relief.

After I received the help I needed, I made it my life’s passion to work in the post-abortive field. Therefore, I graduated from Washburn University, Topeka Kansas as an undergrad with my degree as a  Licensed Master Social Worker . In June of 2007, we opeTed the first of its kind, a professional Abortion Recovery Center. ARC is now located in Topeka, Kansas.

I also know millions of woman and men also suffer silently as I did for many years. Sadly, there are too many people who don’t want to be forgiven, and believe that punishing themselves is the right thing to do. But, it is time that those hurting from their abortions, in one way or another courageously step out from their hiding and choose to begin to healing process.  True freedom and restoration from an abortion can be achieved. Therefore, we at ARC are here to help and assist you now!

Olivia Gans from National Right To Life  said it best when she said “It is time we start remembering our abortions rather than trying to forget them.” I couldn’t agree more. Abortion not only can cause you physical damage, but also social psychological and spiritual impairment as well. By dealing with your past we can help you move forward to a life full of joy, peace and serenity. 

Today, I love the journey I'm on - to help heal others with their similar pain, to educate them about the devastating effects of abortion, and to share my recovery journey with others so that they may receive the same joy that I have received in Christ.